In 7th grade, my mom remarried and we moved out of the city, into the suburbs. While I loved the new big house and the new school, I found myself in a difficult place. I could not figure out where I fit in any longer. You see, until that point, I had been the only girl in the family, including the extended family. And now my mom had a new husband and a new baby, a beautiful girl. At this same time, the boy I adored and spent most of my time with no longer wanted to hang out with me. What made that pain even worse? All of my friends were also his. You know where I am going….I found myself trying to find a new group of friends, trying to understand my place at home, and everything was just too confusing.
One night I decided I did not want to feel the pain any longer and at bedtime, I took a large amount of pain killers. Lucky for me, the pill of choice was a generic Advil so all that happened to me was an upset stomach and becoming very sleepy. When I woke up in the morning, not part of the plan, I could not figure out what happened. Later that day in class, I shared what I had done the night before with a neighbor friend. She was smart enough to realize I was not joking even though I was making light of the situation. She went right to the counselors at school and shared everything I had said.
The counselor called my parents and shared the news and together they came up with a plan to get me some help. I spent some time talking to a therapist as well as the school counselors and they helped me realize my situation at that moment in 7th grade did not have to be my reality. I did not have to feel the way I felt. I could make choices to direct my life. I also realized during that time that the new little baby girl in my life was actually my saving grace. She was not there to replace me but to love me and teach me how to love someone else completely unconditionally. Middle school, although an important time in life, was going to end but this relationship with the baby was for forever. From there forward, that baby has meant the world to me. We spent countless hours together until I headed off to college and I am still incredibly close with her today.
Before ending this blog post, I have to admit this is the one action in my life I wish I could have changed. I hurt my mother very much; feeling that way and trying to take my life. If I had talked to her the situation could have been avoided. Honestly, at that time, I think because I knew I was not supposed to feel the way that I did, I did not want to bother her. She already had enough to deal with, handling her new baby and establishing a new family routine.
Praise the Lord, it ended how it ended though, because I am here now with my own two baby girls, lucky to have a husband, two sisters I am close to, and parents who support all my decisions.
One last note: if you are feeling alone right now, please take a moment and find a trusted person you can share your loneliness and despair with. You can overcome this feeling and get the help you need. Also note, your feelings are REAL and that is ok, but make the next right decision- talk to someone and ask for help. Take a moment and listen to this powerful song about looking within and realize we all have moments of despair and loneliness but there is always HOPE.
