Passing

They say it does not matter if you are expecting the passing of a loved one or are left surprised by it. I thought it would be easier. Watching my aunt in hospice for well over six days, it seemed like when the end came a sense of relief would come over the family. Each time we left her, thinking it would be the last time we would say goodbye in this lifetime.

The first time I visited her in hospice was her first night there and she was alert, talking, enjoying the company. I was trying to be the life of the party, to the point that when I left the room to make a phone call, my aunt had to confirm with my mom that  I understood why she was there, as if fun was out of the question. I am so grateful for that night as it was the last time she was alert and really mentally aware. On my way out that evening I whispered in her ear, “Don’t spook me when you are gone.” She smiled and we kissed goodbye.

Another time I visited I decided maybe she needed some music; all this quiet could not be good for anyone. I suggested we listen to Moody Blues and she nodded. I knew she and my uncle were fond of them and it reminded me of this magical visit to their home near the coast, where after dinner we drove along the coast line listening to the Moody Blues, everyone singing along. I must admit there was one song in particular I really don’t like. Back at the hospital, the first song to come on was in fact the one I am not fond of, so I hit skip. A commercial was next and then would you believe(never has this happened), the same song came back on, so…we listened.

The morning after her death, I was having a slow start to work. Once the kids were off to camp, I decided all this quiet while I was getting ready could not be good for the soul, so I put on my Pandora Radio and to my amazement, that song that I once did not like, came on right away, I laughed out loud and said, “You have to be kidding me,” this time listening to every word.

I thought I would wake up the day after the memorial services and be fine, as if this chapter was over and life goes on, but it has not been the case, my heart is a bit broken.

My cousin said the other day, while we were cleaning out her closet, “I am not going to get upset anymore, it is what it is.”  Oh how true that is and so easy to say. But my mom says you have to feel, let your emotions take their course, so my cousin’s way did  not feel right either.

I am just going to relish in all my memories of her and see her smiling face, hear her say my name, and continue to feel so blessed I had her love!