I have a fear of dying. Not the fear that I will die someday, I fear that someone I love is going to die. You see, I had five family members pass in the last year. Some close to me, like my brother and uncle, and others a part of our extended family. (Big Irish family)
No matter how close you are to a family member when they die, it does something to your insides, leaving you feeling unsettled. I am not foolish to think I am impervious to death, especially as I am at the age where I see more and more of it. A dear friend keeps telling me to stop counting-it is not healthy. And I agree, it can send me into a spiral of worry, wondering when the next call is coming and praying it does not completely wreck me.
However, something very eye-opening has happened. I have become more conscious of everyday moments like hanging with the kids and J, having lunch with my mom, watching my nieces play with the girls, dancing with my cousin, talking to my work gang, or simply out with friends we love- as now an overwhelming feeling will come over me. It is like time stops… my eyes and heart swell up with the most amount of gratitude I ever felt. Sometimes I share this feeling, sometimes I just let the moment happen.
This is when I remind myself, worry does not do anyone well ever. Now more than ever, I am grateful for all of the amazing people in my life and how lucky and blessed that I can make memories with them each day!
