Just love

My brother and I had very different lives. While I was chasing dreams to do better and be better, he was fighting internal demons that craved drugs and liquor. When we were little, it was just my mom, him, and I.  He did everything a big brother is supposed to do to torture a little sister, dirty socks in my mouth, holding my dolls hostage, pinning me down, every horror story of sibling love, I lived it.

As we got older and began to live our lives, we drifted apart.  To be honest, this was mostly my decision because I want my girls to have fighting chance in life of experiencing as much normalcy as possible, and that was the opposite life my brother was living. Because of the distance, he resented me and when we did come into contact, he was mean to me, really mean to me. As his illness got worse, I knew I had to see him. The more visits I made; I could see the resentment pass. I made a playlist of all the songs he loved when we were little. He loved it. The more I visited, the more we laughed over childhood memories.

One day, we were alone for a brief moment, I said ever so gently, “You still mad at me?” He replied, “Nah.” (It is never a full No with my brother.) I then said, “You know why you were so angry at me?” and he said, “Nah.” And just like that, I felt like someone slapped me in the face.  He had so many charged emotions towards me for so many years, and I spent so much time wondering if I was wrong in creating distance, but in the end it all does not matter.

We all have choices to make and in return, whether as family or friends, we might not all appreciate the choices; however, it takes just a second to realize it all does not matter, there really is no room for resentment or anger. Just love the other person, near or far.  In the end, that is all that matters.